Roman Holiday

We had a Roman holiday
you and I
You held my hand
as we climbed the Spanish Steps
You whispered in my ear
"This is how it was meant to be"
We sat at the Trevi Fountain
sharing a pistachio gelato
Your arm draped around my shoulder
you pull me close and murmur
"We will always be together"
You put your hand in the Mouth of Truth*
"I will love you forever"
Your hand came out unscathed 
So I believed
I sit in the piazza
I absently stir my coffee
lost in thought
"I still love you"
you whisper
I hear your voice
carried on the wind
My eyes search the piazza
looking, needing, wanting
waiting

7/30/12

*The Mouth of Truth (La Bocca della Verità) has been considered a type of lie-detector since the Middle Ages. It is believed that if one told a lie with one's hand in the mouth of the sculpture, it would be bitten off. 

skipping stones

somehow she finds herself
at the edge of the lake
the bluffs surround her
she is safe in their embrace
the sand is warm between her toes
she is looking for the perfect one
her eyes are drawn to it
she pick it up
it is perfect
smooth, flat, round
the stone is warm
from the hot summer sun
she holds it tight
she remembers a time when
life was beautiful
a time when they would spend hours together
looking for the perfect stone
he would hold her
and show her how to throw it
just right
it would sail and skip
on the surface of the water
there was not a care in the world
life was beautiful
she looks at the stone in her hand
she gets ready
she knows it will sail
he would be proud
she takes a deep breath
and looks over the calm water
where is her peace
she opens her hand
the stone falls soundlessly 
onto the sand 
life was beautiful

7/23/12

Lonely

I am lonely

I feel your breath on the back of my neck

I am not alone

You wrap your arms tighter around me and sigh gently

You are at peace

But I am lonely

I want so much to push you away

To tell you that I am dying inside

I am dying and yet you sleep peacefully

I am angry, I am hurt, I want to cry

There are no more tears

No  tears to keep me company

I am truly alone

So sleep and be at peace

As I slowly fade away

Into my loneliness

1/8/2011

broken wings

i stare out the window

when did the world

pass me by

i need you

together we would have flown

i wouldn’t be standing here alone

but you left me on my own

standing on the edge

of something so beautiful

unaccompanied you took to the skies

you didn’t teach me

how to spread my wings

they are broken, unused, useless

i need to learn

come back to me

hold me

love me

fly with me

10/24/11

colors of life

She gazes across the lake. The water is teeming with life and she is dead inside. She would like nothing more than to bathe herself in the water so that it might breathe some life back into her. She doesn’t know if she can be alone. She will be all alone. Nobody to comfort her. Nobody to hold her as she cries all the tears her body holds. Nobody to hold her hand as she grieves for her loss.  Nobody to tell her that she is loved. She tries to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill from her eyes. If she starts now she fears that she will never stop. She closes her eyes.

Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl filled with life, filled with love. She touched everybody she met. She left a little bit of her glow with those who crossed her path. She loved life and she truly felt that life loved her back. She was the flower that never stopped blooming. A colorful flower that spread her color to everything around her. When did the petals start falling? When did the flower of so many vibrant colors turn to shades of grey?

Now there is a girl who cries endless tears. She cries on the inside for lost colors, for lost life. The pain is unbearable as she feels pieces of herself being torn away. She is a broken, wilting flower. She wants to reach towards the sun, but it seems so far away. She curls into herself. She is alone. She weeps for the girl she once was.

She opens her eyes and the threatening tears spill down her cheeks. She has an unyielding urge to go to the water. She feels the water with her toes. It is cold and sends a shiver through her body. She knows that she can’t go slowly. She needs to stop thinking and take a risk. She closes her eyes and tries not to think of the coldness. She searches for the warmth that is buried deep within. She opens her eyes and looks at her reflection. She is surrounded by so many magnificent colors. She takes a deep breath and she jumps.

7/2011

suffocation

I am hurting

I am suffocated by

your anger

I cannot breathe

Your words

weigh down my soul

I suffer as I

gasp for air

Let me breathe

You used to

be my breath

You filled my body

with life

Don’t take my

life away

Give me the air

I need

Let me go

7/2011

Jump

I stare at the rolling fields

And I know

I know that

I can love

I know that

I can forgive

I know that

I can forget

The heaviness of yesterday

is lifted by the

dream of tomorrow

Today I feel

like I can fly

I stand at the edge of life

and I stare into

the unknown

I jump

I am free

7/2011

the rain dance

They dance in the pouring rain

a pair of lovers

lost in a moment

creating a memory

They float on raindrops

each look

each touch

each kiss

their reason for being

Their bodies are one

he feels her soul

she holds his heart

and they love each other

under the rain

The rain begins to slow

I love you he says

don’t forget

She dances alone

lost in a moment

lost in a memory

6/2011

chimeric

I see you standing

on the quai

You are as beautiful

as the day we first met

My heart calls your name

Turn and see me

I am waiting for you

I have been waiting for so long

I want to run to you

I want to feel

the safety of your warm embrace

I want to love you

Come to me

I call

But you do not hear me

You do not hear my heart

I run

I run through the pain

and the hurt

I desperately need to reach you

You start to walk away

I shout your name

But you are gone

I fall to my knees

on the spot you once stood

I am cradled in your warmth

I need to let you go


6/2011

the bridge

The boat slowly makes

its way down the river

With each passing bridge

a memory comes racing back

The boat arrives at Pont-Marie

She closes her eyes

and makes a wish

She feels a warm breath

on her cheek

She longs to open her eyes

She yearns to see her dream

I love you she whispers

her eyes still closed

I did not know

so much pain was possible

She feels soft lips

on her cheek

She hears the whisper

in her ear

You are so much stronger

than this

I love you

The sun shines on her face

as the boat emerges

on the other side of the bridge

Tears rolls down her cheeks

still warm from a

lover’s kiss

She opens her eyes

She is alone

6/2011

Freedom

She stands at the edge of the cliff and stares across the immense valley below. She is so tired, not just from the grueling climb up the mountain, but also from the emotional mess that is her life.  She needs a break.  Up here the air cleanses the soul and at this moment it is what she needs. She hasn't stood on this spot for 15 years. She had forgotten the beauty of the peaceful valley below. If only life could be so peaceful.  She contemplates her life-the missteps, the joys, the sadness.  The Sadness has become a permanent fixture in her life.  Her eyes search the edge of the cliff, looking for something that had been there all those years ago.

“Choose your freedom,” she reads. It is still there, etched into the edge of the cliff. This is why she had to climb the mountain. She needed to see it written in stone. She thinks about the person who wrote it. Was she at a crossroads in her life? Did she jump? Did she turn around and live her life? What was her freedom?

She needed to make a choice. She had taken this trip to get away and think and make a decision.  Why was it so hard? Why didn’t anybody warn her that life could be so ugly? Why do the happy times have to cost so much? She feels the breeze of the impending storm and can almost taste the rain that will accompany it. She loves the warm rain that falls here. She suddenly feels an aching loneliness and wishes she had someone to share it with.

“I’m so alone,” she whispers into the emptiness as she stares into the depths of her solitude.

The wind caresses her with her soft breeze, “You are not alone, I am here.”

“Why did you leave me with empty arms? I yearn to feel your gentle touch. I cannot go on.”

The rain calms her with her sweet smell, “I am with you, you know where to find me.”

“I’ve searched for so long. I am tired. I can’t look anymore.”

“Don’t give up,” rumbles the thunder. “Once you find me, you will find you.”

She is in the middle of the storm. She stands on the very edge of the cliff. “I am lost. HELP ME!” she shouts. “I cannot go on.”

“Love,” whispers the wind.

“Love,” drums the rain.

“Love,” bellows the thunder.

The storm has gained strength and she finds sanctuary in the old chapel which is unusually devoid of people.  How has it gotten so bad, she asks herself.  Where is the happy, glowing, confident girl she once was? She wonders what it will take to find herself. She had found happiness before, but it was cruelly taken away from her. Her soulmate, her true love had been ripped away before they had time. A person whose smile touched her soul, whose love made her feel beautiful, whose heart had taken away hers. She never truly got her heart back. So she settled. She settled for something that was a false representation of happiness, but it looked ok. She should’ve known better. She should’ve seen the signs.

“There have been happy moments,” she says to no one.

But she has been so damaged that even the happy moments seem like staged moments that never really existed. She has been so hurt.

 The words hurt

They hurt more than physical pain

Hidden bruises that don’t heal quickly

They are not visible

Nobody can see them

But she can feel them

The dull, throbbing pain

That doesn’t seem to fade

The words cannot be forgotten

Each word thrown at her face

With a champion’s blow

She can’t duck

She can’t evade

She can’t hide

She can’t protect herself

She takes it

She is beaten down

She cries

Tomorrow she will smile

Pretend that everything is okay

Nobody will know

Nobody can see that her wounds

Are bleeding

“I’m sorry” will be the band-aid

And she will smile

She cries on the inside

As the hidden tears

Try to soothe

The secret pain

The scars don’t fade

Next time

She tells herself

She will walk away

How many times has she said she would walk away. Why does she take it? Everyone thinks that she is this strong, confident woman. Little do they know that inside she is frightened lonely girl. A girl that wants to be loved and respected, but maybe thinks that she doesn’t deserve it. She found her soulmate. Not many people get that in their lives, but she did. So maybe she should accept what she has. It isn’t that bad. But the memories of something so strong and beautiful don’t go away. And lately she has been more distracted by them.  Maybe she does need to be alone with her memories. Memories that help her cope with the bad times, the sad times.

I am here
but I am there
lost in a moment

Of memories

Of times shared

Of times lost

Of beginnings

Of endings

I feel your breath

On my neck

The soft caress

Of a lovers touch

I want to turn to you

I want to love you

I want to feel the fire

Of boundless passion

I feel cold

The fire of the memory flickers

And fades

I am here

The storm has passed and she starts to head down the mountain, to where people are waiting. The smell of the freshly fallen rain had purified her mind as well as her heart. She knows what she has to do. She has to do what’s best for her, so that she can be the person she needs to be for herself. In doing so, she will be a better mother to her child. Her child cannot think that it is okay to treat a woman this way. She cannot believe she has let it go on for so long. What has she taught him? But will he be forever wounded by her decision. Can she live with the consequences her decisions create for her son?  Maybe she should wait the many years until he goes to college.

“Aaaaaaahhhhh.” Her scream echoes through the valley.

In the near or distant future…

He comes home. It’s late, but the house has an eerie quiet hanging over it. He senses that something is not quite right. Her car was not in the garage. He runs up the stairs. The bed is made. There is an envelope. He doesn’t want to believe it. He looks in the closet. Her clothes are gone. He sits on the bed and stares at the envelope. He doesn’t want to read what is inside.  He slowly picks it up and opens it. After so many years, it is just one page with a few lines.

i am gone

 i'm leaving

you so that i can

leave me

i wanted to love you

but i couldn’t hold you

you slipped through my fingers

that have been so

bruised and broken

i tried to hold on

to every piece of you

forgetting that i needed

to hold on to me

and i fell

i fell so far

that i lost me

in the abyss

of us

and so i’m going

to find me

so that maybe

i can learn to love

once more

4/2011

This child of mine

You came into my life and

From the moment I knew I held you

I wrapped my arms around me and I held you

I held you from within and I loved you

I have never stopped holding you

I see my reflection-I see myself in your eyes

In the brightness of your eyes

I see my future

I see my past

You are a part of me as I am a part of you

And so I hold you

I hold your hand-you hold my heart

Forever we are connected

And forever I will hold you

12/2009

Writing...

I started writing many years ago. I only recently started to share my writing with a small select group of people. A friend had suggested that I start a blog. I hesitated for a long time. It is an intimidating feeling to know that I am opening myself up in a way I never thought I would. But here I go...I hope that you enjoy what I have written...if not I am truly sorry. Please feel free to comment. I do appreciate it.