She stands
at the edge of the cliff and stares across the immense valley below. She is so
tired, not just from the grueling climb up the mountain, but also from the
emotional mess that is her life. She
needs a break. Up here the air cleanses
the soul and at this moment it is what she needs. She hasn't stood on this spot
for 15 years. She had forgotten the beauty of the peaceful valley below. If
only life could be so peaceful. She
contemplates her life-the missteps, the joys, the sadness. The Sadness has become a permanent fixture in
her life. Her eyes search the edge of
the cliff, looking for something that had been there all those years ago.
“Choose your freedom,” she reads. It is still there, etched into the edge of
the cliff. This is why she had to climb the mountain. She needed to see it
written in stone. She thinks about the person who wrote it. Was she at a
crossroads in her life? Did she jump? Did she turn around and live her life?
What was her freedom?
She needed to make a choice. She had taken this trip to get away and think and
make a decision. Why was it so hard? Why
didn’t anybody warn her that life could be so ugly? Why do the happy times have
to cost so much? She feels the breeze of the impending storm and can almost
taste the rain that will accompany it. She loves the warm rain that falls here.
She suddenly feels an aching loneliness and wishes she had someone to share it
with.
“I’m so
alone,” she whispers into the emptiness as she stares into the depths of her
solitude.
The wind
caresses her with her soft breeze, “You are not alone, I am here.”
“Why did you
leave me with empty arms? I yearn to feel your gentle touch. I cannot go on.”
The rain
calms her with her sweet smell, “I am with you, you know where to find me.”
“I’ve searched
for so long. I am tired. I can’t look anymore.”
“Don’t give
up,” rumbles the thunder. “Once you find me, you will find you.”
She is in
the middle of the storm. She stands on the very edge of the cliff. “I am lost.
HELP ME!” she shouts. “I cannot go on.”
“Love,”
whispers the wind.
“Love,”
drums the rain.
“Love,”
bellows the thunder.
The storm
has gained strength and she finds sanctuary in the old chapel which is
unusually devoid of people. How has it
gotten so bad, she asks herself. Where
is the happy, glowing, confident girl she once was? She wonders what it will
take to find herself. She had found happiness before, but it was cruelly taken
away from her. Her soulmate, her true love had been ripped away before they had
time. A person whose smile touched her soul, whose love made her feel
beautiful, whose heart had taken away hers. She never truly got her heart back.
So she settled. She settled for something that was a false representation of
happiness, but it looked ok. She should’ve known better. She should’ve seen the
signs.
“There have
been happy moments,” she says to no one.
But she has
been so damaged that even the happy moments seem like staged moments that never
really existed. She has been so hurt.
The words hurt
They hurt more than physical pain
Hidden bruises that don’t heal quickly
They are not visible
Nobody can see them
But she can feel them
The dull, throbbing pain
That doesn’t seem to fade
The words cannot be forgotten
Each word thrown at her face
With a champion’s blow
She can’t duck
She can’t evade
She can’t hide
She can’t protect herself
She takes it
She is beaten down
She cries
Tomorrow she will smile
Pretend that everything is okay
Nobody will know
Nobody can see that her wounds
Are bleeding
“I’m sorry” will be the band-aid
And she will smile
She cries on the inside
As the hidden tears
Try to soothe
The secret pain
The scars don’t fade
Next time
She tells herself
She will walk away
How many
times has she said she would walk away. Why does she take it? Everyone thinks
that she is this strong, confident woman. Little do they know that inside she
is frightened lonely girl. A girl that wants to be loved and respected, but
maybe thinks that she doesn’t deserve it. She found her soulmate. Not many
people get that in their lives, but she did. So maybe she should accept what
she has. It isn’t that bad. But the
memories of something so strong and beautiful don’t go away. And lately she has
been more distracted by them. Maybe she
does need to be alone with her memories. Memories that help her cope with the
bad times, the sad times.
I am here
but I am there
lost in a moment
Of memories
Of times
shared
Of times
lost
Of
beginnings
Of endings
I feel your
breath
On my neck
The soft
caress
Of a lovers
touch
I want to
turn to you
I want to
love you
I want to
feel the fire
Of boundless
passion
I feel cold
The fire of
the memory flickers
And fades
I am here
The storm
has passed and she starts to head down the mountain, to where people are
waiting. The smell of the freshly fallen rain had purified her mind as well as
her heart. She knows what she has to do. She has to do what’s best for her, so
that she can be the person she needs to be for herself. In doing so, she will
be a better mother to her child. Her child cannot think that it is okay to treat
a woman this way. She cannot believe she has let it go on for so long. What has
she taught him? But will he be forever wounded by her decision. Can she live
with the consequences her decisions create for her son? Maybe she should wait the many years until he
goes to college.
“Aaaaaaahhhhh.”
Her scream echoes through the valley.
In the near
or distant future…
He comes
home. It’s late, but the house has an eerie quiet hanging over it. He senses
that something is not quite right. Her car was not in the garage. He runs up
the stairs. The bed is made. There is an envelope. He doesn’t want to believe
it. He looks in the closet. Her clothes are gone. He sits on the bed and stares
at the envelope. He doesn’t want to read what is inside. He slowly picks it up and opens it. After so
many years, it is just one page with a few lines.
i am gone
i'm leaving
you so that i can
leave me
i wanted to love you
but i couldn’t hold you
you slipped through my fingers
that have been so
bruised and broken
i tried to hold on
to every piece of you
forgetting that i needed
to hold on to me
and i fell
i fell so far
that i lost me
in the abyss
of us
and so i’m going
to find me
so that maybe
i can learn to love
once more
4/2011
